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Fiction: A college lecturer is caught in the machinery of state repression during the Emergency
An excerpt from ‘Diary of an Unseen Witness’, by Ampassayya Naveen, translated from the Telugu by Kalpana Kannabiran.
It is night, around 2 am I just can’t sleep. I could hear the sound of a drizzle outside, but it was sultry inside the house. I tossed about in bed. Suseela, and my younger boy, Sudheer were fast asleep. The other two children were peacefully asleep in another cot.
I wondered a couple of times whether I should wake Suseela up. She seemed to be in a deep sleep. Why wake her? I lit a cigarette and lay back thinking.
On 25th June last year, the country was enveloped in the darkness of an eclipse. Anticipation of something to come… tension…disquiet…fear…disturbance.
I learnt later that on 26th, Venu and several revolutionary writers had been arrested in Warangal. They also searched for Rammohan the same day. But Rammohan had gone underground by then. Around that time, colleagues from my staff room, informed me, “There is an enquiry being conducted on you. Be careful.” Those words made my heart sink.
“Why me? What did I do?” I asked.
“You didn’t do anything. What did the people who are being arrested do?” they replied.
The police had started tracking me on that day. Countless special branch inspectors came to see me. They harassed me with unending questions. It seems they also went to my Principal garu. They made enquiries about me. A local SI photographed me on one occasion. Another time they called me to the police station and photographed me from various angles.
In this manner, someone or the other would come to me once every month, and note down details. I also heard that they had made enquiries about me with important people in the town. Initially I was very worried. But gradually I got used to it and it didn’t seem out of the ordinary.
Our Chairman is breathing fire on us because we exposed the injustices in the college. He believes that I led the effort to expose the wrongdoing. The Principal is the Chairman’s stooge. He may not speak well of me in the enquiry. Forget may not, he will not. At the same time I did not have any enemies in the town. Nobody would speak ill of me. But the fear that I may be arrested one day stalked me like a shadow.
If I was to be arrested, they would have done it by now. In any case, why would they arrest me? What did I do? Is it a crime to have a love for literature? Is it wrong to say injustice is injustice? Why was this happening? Where will it end? These thoughts haunted me and deprived me of sleep.
Now and then, I would discuss these matters with my friends, Dharma Reddy and Sadashiv. They would instil courage in me. I would feel some relief after talking to them. I heard the details related to the enquiry from them.
I did not talk to Suseela about the changes in the country after 25th June, or about subsequent events, reasoning thus: she is more easily unnerved than me. She will panic if she hears these things. She will have palpitations. She will get really scared and might even faint. It is enough if I say, “they may arrest me also” – I cannot even think of how serious the situation will become. That is why I did not tell Suseela anything. However, Suseela heard from someone that I was going through a critical phase. She would get suspicious if I didn’t return home on time.
Some people advised me to go to the police station and meet the S.I. Others asked me to issue a paper statement supporting the Twenty-Point Programme and the Five-Point Programme. I did not do anything. “Am I important enough to issue a press statement?” I thought to myself. Why should I unnecessarily alert everyone to this issue?
It is a year since Emergency was declared. The government is broadcasting the hundred advantages of Emergency. They were planning to celebrate the victories of the Anushasana Parvam to commemorate one year. The arrests were continuing. The government propaganda spoke about discipline, the rise in the value of the rupee, and many other things. So much suffering, darkness so pitch-black that we could not see ourselves.
Try as I might, sleep eluded me…Outside the wind screeched through the trees and the electric wires…the drizzle…all of a sudden deafening thunder…How could sleep come to me?
We did not get our salaries for four months. I had to pay the grocer, the landlord, the milkman, the domestic help. More important than these, the children’s school fees and books.
There are times when I felt ashamed of my life. Why am I living in hell, I asked myself. Far better than this lowly, helpless life, I felt, it may be better to live the life of a coolie.
When we were studying in college, we imagined life as so beautiful. Will those days return? Will these nightmarish days come to an end? Will there be a time without oppressors like our college chairman? Will that society come about through the revolution that Venu and Rammohan dreamt of? Will this society where humans are exploited by humans be destroyed?
I tossed this way and that. But I could not sleep.
The sound of a jeep stopping outside. I just sat bolt upright…I strained my ears to hear. Why would a jeep come here so late? That’s why…that’s it…police…police jeep…they have come to arrest me. Otherwise why would there be the sound of a jeep in front of my house in the middle of the night? I don’t have any friends who go around in a jeep. There’s no doubt. They will arrest me.
For a short while there was no sound…it was just my suspicion…that’s all…there is nothing. It is all my hallucination. ‘In the middle of the night…a police jeep will stop in front of my house. The police inspector will knock on my door. I will open the door. He will arrest me. Suseela will collapse in a faint.
The children will crowd around Suseela crying. Leaving them in this state, the police will drag me away.’ The scene played in my mind repeatedly and destroyed my peace. That is why, even when there was no jeep, the feeling that a jeep had stopped…it had stopped in front of my house…all a hallucination.
I tried to lie down and sleep. Sleep…light sleep… wakefulness…drowsiness…In my sleep, “tak-tak-tak” – the sound of the door. Again I sat up startled…no doubt…it was my door…not a dream…or a hallucination. Someone was knocking at our door.
My brain stopped working. My heart was pounding. What should I do now? Should I wake Suseela? Would it be the police? It could also be someone else after all! What work would anyone else have with me at midnight?
“Srinivasa Rao garu!” Someone was calling out softly.
It was a familiar voice. I had got scared unnecessarily. It couldn’t be the police. Some acquaintance.
I gathered myself and got up. Switched on the light. Opened the door.
Standing on my threshold was my town SI in uniform. I was stunned to see him. He was alone. I knew him well.
“Namaskaram, Saar,” he said respectfully.
“Chandraiah garu, what is it?” My voice quivered.
“Nothing, Saar. Don’t panic. You need to come with me to the station.”
“Why?”
“SP garu has come. He wants to interrogate you. You can return home by dawn.”
The moment I heard the words “SP” and “interrogate”, I shuddered.
“Do I need to come so late, at midnight? I can come myself tomorrow,” I said barely audibly.
“No, Saar. I have to take you today, right now. Forgive me. I have no choice,” said Chandraiah just as softly.
“No, no…I will come tomorrow.”
“No, Saar. That is not possible. Please! Try to understand. I have to take you this minute.”
“Why are you saying that so forcefully? Do you have a warrant?” I asked gathering my courage.
“I do, Saar.”
I shrank on hearing this. I couldn’t muster my wits enough to ask him to show it to me. The SI seemed to see the helplessness in my eyes.
“Nothing will happen to you, Saar. You will return home tomorrow morning,” Chandraiah said holding my hands.
“Tell me the truth, SI garu. Are you taking me to jail?” My words stuck in my parched throat.
“No, Saar. You will be back home early in the morning. Believe me.”
I couldn’t move. “I did not apply for leave. I need to inform my people of this. I will write a leave application and a letter for my family and come. Give me a little time.” My voice was shaking.
“Ayyo! Why, Saar? You will be home tomorrow morning. Don’t get agitated for nothing. Please. Don’t delay any more. Change your clothes fast.” Chandraiah gave me a firm assurance. I re-entered the house slowly.
Should I wake Suseela? I thought a bit and changed my clothes. Then I woke Suseela.
“What happened? Weren’t you able to sleep?… Why have you changed your clothes?” She quickly sat up and asked me fearfully.
“Suseela! You must be brave.” I was unable to speak.
“What happened?!” Suseela stood up. By then fear was writ large on her face.
“Nothing, Suseela. The SI has come for me.” I decided not to hide anything from her.
“Are you coming, Saar?” Chandraiah, from outside, was saying it was getting late.
“Don’t be afraid, Suseela. He wants me to go to the station. I will go and return. I will be back before daylight…You must be brave…Don’t tell anyone about this…Don’t even tell the children.”
Excerpted with permission from Diary of an Unseen Witness, Ampassayya Naveen, translated from the Telugu by Kalpana Kannabiran, Speaking Tiger Books.